u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
