Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
