i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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