Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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