i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
