Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
