it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
