My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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