I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just pynch a tree in the face
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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