But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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