I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
how do you play pong handcuffed?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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