if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
