just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's shark week go big or go home
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
