She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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