Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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