I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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