i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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