Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm too high and old for this...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
