Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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