Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize