is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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