be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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