I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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