Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
