I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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