tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
