I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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