Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
