Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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