I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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