Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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