So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
