Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
