omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
