BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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