What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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