My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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