If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
