my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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