The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
