A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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