I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
