Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
