if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
