I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize