so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
