How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
