thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
