Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize