haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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