Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Is it because I queefed?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Randomize
