omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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