I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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