I think my fart just growled at me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
