i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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