I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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