Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
