Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
