u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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