what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
