The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
