and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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