omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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