we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
