You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
