you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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